"I wish you would step back from the ledge, my friend."

I have stepped back from the ledge. I've learned that I need to accept myself for who I am, and that I shouldn't let something from the past control my life. All of this time, I've been meticulously trying to micromanage everything that goes in and out of my life, and I learned that I can't do that. I can't control everything. I always importune myself to keep everything under my belt, but I can't ask that of myself. I can't.

All of these conflicts in my mind have impeded me in enjoying life and appreciating everything I have. I have amazing friends who do care about me and I have amazing family that understand me, even when my behavior is beyond tolerable. Sometimes I think of myself as a pariah, mostly because I isolate myself when unnecessary. I now ask myself, "Why do I have to pull away from others when they're already there for me?" I don't need to get through this on my own, I have people who will celebrate with me when I'm happy and cry with me when I'm sad.

I can't control who comes in and out of my life, no. It's out of my reach and I'm letting fate do its magic. One day, I will be in a happy place where there nothing will matter except me and the ones I care about. We will go through heartbreaks, tragedies, and hardships, but that's all part of life, and I've realized that now.

"Well everyone I know has got a reason to say put the past away."

Why You So Obsessed with.. them?

My mind is a labyrinth, but it is quite clear that I am in love with weddings. Yes, weddings. What? I'm weird. I know. So? Yeah, that's what I thought. I am in love with the fact that they are so eccentric and one can make their dream wedding into a reality. I mean, what's not to love? I mean, there is enjoyment for epicures, they can also be classified as bacchanals, and true love is where its at. For most guests, there are food and drinks, and that is what convinces them to attend these events.

For me, it's all about the wedding dress. There will be qualms; she may be unsure about whether or not she made the right choice, whether this dress is the one. Say Yes To the Dress? Yeah, my favorite show in the world.. or at least one of them. Some may present themselves with much brio and sass, and others show that they are quiet and simple. It doesn't matter which one the bride is because she will always find the right dress, just like she found the right mate.

Most people don't have the kind of enthusiasm I have for weddings, for they hate them. But if you have a desultory attitude towards these happy days, I'm not going to judge you, just give you a face and gasp of disbelief and life can go on.

*The picture at the top is my future wedding dress :)

Don't Talk Behind His Back

You could say that I'm culpable of stirring up mayhem in my sixth period history class and Kimberly always gets dragged into sticky situations. She doesn't follow my antics by choice, as she always tries to avoid them. Oh, I am so omnipotent when it comes to controlling Kimberly, but then Mr. Asciutto comes over and gives me death stares, so I must either turn away or glare into those wild eyes.

On the other hand, Chrissy gets a more vocal punishment from Asciutto. He usually yells inordinately, "TAYLOR, THIS IS YOUR SECOND YEAR IN MY CLASS, WHY AREN'T YOU PREPARED?" This is then followed by Chrissy sputtering incomprehensible babble in disbelief. "But Mr. Asciutto, I am ready!" So you could say that Chrissy and I get the most picked on in that class and we're complete antipodes of Kimberly. Kimberly does not speak nor enjoys when I take pictures of her (which I don't understand because she's gorgeous). After history, Kimberly, Chrissy, and I were walking to math class, and as usual, we were making fun of Kimberly. Then, she smashes her elbow into her locker and that caused a paroxysm of hysteria. Laughing hysteria from Chrissy and me, and a hysteria of pain for Kimberly. Funny at the moment, but not in the long run.

Yes, I'm an aberration from the norm, but what can you do? I bring chaos wherever I go, and that's fine with me.

You Are What You Wear

It's cliche to say, "everyone says, 'you are what you wear,' but it's true." But I'm going to say it anyway. You are what you wear, and it's true. Someone may exhort you to wear a dress embellished with peacock feathers in addition to a christmas bow tied to the back, just to top it off, and you may feel as if you want to throw up last night's dinner. And that's simply who you are. Someone in ridiculous attire with an upset stomach. Oh great, leather thigh-high boots to exacerbate the situation; now you look like a zoo animal about to dance inside a cage. This is why I don't have a stylist, not that I could afford one anyway.

I'm a pretty gregarious person, so I'm fond with many different types of people. They are defined by what they wear, as am I. If I wear a black shirt, that doesn't mean I'm goth. If I wear a flagrant pink shirt, that doesn't mean I'm trying to bring back the 80's. I'm just trying to be myself, which may be one or a dozen different people. I guess everyone is more than one person, depending on their mood or the kind of day they're having. I'm more than one person just because it's interesting, and I like having the power to be a chameleon based upon the person I converse with. But one thing I will preclude is I will not change the person I am for someone else. I may be ten different different people, but I stay true to those ten people. Clothes may define who I am, but no other soul can define me.